About immaturities and how the love isn’t enough in a relationship
It’s real for a long time hasn’t written about love and heartbreak. It had been a long time since he lived on the other side of the road, it had been a suspringly change for me ‘cause now I’m single, or divorced, or perhaps it would be better to say: I’m in solitude.
The truth is that it has been 5 long years living in the love’s idyll built from my scraps of knowledge, they have been years of great happiness without a doubt, but they have also been years of idealization from a perspective somewhat dissociated from reality.
I thought that loving and having a family implied complying with all the prerogatives requested by the couple, I never thought that loving another was based on loving oneself. I never really understood what “loving your neighbor as yourself” meant, and it was when I was in a relationship for 5 years that I came to understand it.
It is very true that despite already being 33 years old when I met my now ex-wife my mentality had fallen behind the year 1998, when on August 1 of that year my mother passed away for no apparent reason, my biggest trauma for that time. It was believing that my mommy had abandoned me.
When what really happened was that by God’s decision my mother passed away without any reason in specific, the years passed and the ties that came into my life; Or rather, the affective bonds that I was looking for were aimed at filling that void that my mother had left me due to the “abandonment” that I built.
And so the years went by; Christina, Geomayra, Miriam, Verónica and Yasmielen arrived. I have always loved from fear, the fear of being left and the emotional attachment built from that fear.
The most difficult thing about growing up is not getting old, the most difficult thing about growing up is not maturing and I always remained immature in the unhealthy belief that I was self-sufficient and capable of doing everything “my way” in the end now I realize that all these years I could not believe myself to be more infallible and “perfect” in the face of any criticism or any comment disapproving of my actions, what appeared was the child with tantrums who believed that having read these or those books he was right and that everyone else was wrong and their way of seeing the world was completely wrong.
Yes, I admit it, for many years I suffered a narcissistic injury as a result of not having built my features and suffering from a negligent emotional relationship. On the one hand, my father did not know how to handle his emotions so much that he had episodes of angry outbursts that in some cases ended in verbal and physical attacks on my mom, all of this accumulated inside me and despite refusing to physically attack women in such a pathetic way, I also acquired that attitude of verbally attacking people.
It’s painful to realize this way of living at 38 years old, but as they say, “better late than never.” The bad and painful thing is that this behavior attracted people into my life who saw their shortcomings reflected in themselves.
In the end, everything turned into a sick and toxic way of living together. For my part, my narcissistic traits appealed to wanting to always be right and, on the other hand, the fear of being left made me codependent on a couple who at the same time At the end of the day, he also maintained his traumas, the saddest thing is that along the way we both made wrong decisions and ended up doing a lot of damage, especially in my case, at first it was not clear to me what empathy, self-love and the delimitation of personal principles.
Everything was so badly handled on my part that in my ignorance I saw my partner as that protective mother to whom I should pay a kind of blessing, forget about myself, close my circles of friendship and only connect with the people who were linked to my girlfriend, those were years in which my arrogance did its thing, I believed that I could live without the connection to God, without thinking about my faith and without even worrying about the emotional needs of other people.
Definitely, my arrogance, my pride and my ego made me believe that without help something that started badly could end well.
And if it started badly because I was bonding in a relationship that already had a marriage date, I was 2 years old and I also had a commitment to her, I was failing, it was not a healthy option to find another person and bonding with her to idealize a family it was not built properly.
I did not take the precaution of being meticulous when making my decisions, and although she refuted me in an audio saying that there are no rules to live together, what should exist now is to understand that to choose a person who shares life you must be clear about certain points: the vision of each of the members, the values and the purpose of forming a family.
It is very long to talking about 5 years of relationship in a small fragment of text but at least it allows me to understand that in a couple it is essential to find a balance and a process that of emotional, affective and behavioral development in the first place in oneself, the other changes come by their own decision of each member.
Never believe that idea that it will be possible to change the partner based on my own desires, partners do not change because someone else tells them to do so from the outside, life partners change when they take charge of their own emotional wounds and make the true decision to change from within, because change is within us, that is why self-awareness is FUNDAMENTAL in a relationship.
